Disconnected Thoughts

When hemorrhoids flare up and dentures won't stay in place...

2010-05-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

http://crawlingthroughmybrain.blogspot.com/

continued from To the Rescue.

Good God...someone let the old folks out again. I swear, if you get old and join a reading club or knitting club you should be put in a high security mental ward.
The fossilized farts had backed me up against a damn planter and one was grabbing himself and gnashing his fake teeth. No doubt in vain search of his package that has probably shriveled with age. If he keeps clacking his fake chompers, maybe the glue will seat them in one place. They obviously thought I was either a) wanting to bone their alzheimers riddles brains out or b) some sort of exotic pre-breakfast appetizer or c) all of the above. Needless to say, those thoughts repulsed me to no end.
When the crotch grabber advanced on me, to do God knows what, I kicked him in his shruken nuts. He dropped like the sack of old, rotting meat that he was. His ancient companions weren't about to stand for this, and as they advanced I caught a glimpse of the mad scientist busting out of the building like his ass was on fire. He rapidly went down as I felt the hands of death...er...rather the skeletal claws of an octegenarian reach me. A solid blow to the solar plexus and he went down. I looked at the last standing geezer and raised an eyebrow. Respect for the elderly: I have none.
He raised his cane with a menacing, toothless snarl. I looked at him, waiting for the blow. I assumed I could catch the cane, his strength cannot be greater than my own. Just as he was about to bring it down I heard a loud bang go off after the mad scientist starting yelling. Geez #3 was startled enough to abandon his efforts to club me like a baby seal and look at the noise. I was curious, yes, but I knew when to beat a hasty retreat. Old men are like crows. You wound one and in no time you will have the whole pack of 'em on you squawking and circling you. All the gods be with you if one remembered to bring his viagra. Shuddering at that thought I ducked and ran away from the cane wielding geez and hauled myself to a fire escape where I scrambled up it and bashed my way inside a building. The agility of a cat: I have it. I work for the bakery, you have to have some awesome moves when you are putting out trays of fresh donuts when the 300+ pound crowd are watching your every move...or rather watching those donuts as of they are water in a desert. After crashing through the door SWAT team style I paused for a moment, wondering what the hell was going on out there.
I will give it a few moments, then I will peek out to see who brought the cannon. Maybe the Civil War reinactment people didn't want to miss out on the fun....damn...I need to see what is going on...

Colonel....Winkee....Whatever...

2010-04-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

I heard more bellowing upstairs, but I refrained from poking more holes in my ceiling. In truth I more feared what kind of wildlife would fall from the holes in the ceiling as opposed to what the mad scientist would think about me.

Okay. That's not true. I didn't want him to dislike me. He seemed the only decent person here, even if he came in zombie form with his mumbled hellos to me. At least he hadn't groped me shouting "BRAINS!" (Yeah, you laugh, it happens to me at least once a week.)

I looked at the clock in the kitchen and sighed. I couldn't linger any longer if I wanted to. I do need to pay for this dump, even if it isn't the Ritz-Carlton. Tugging my watch into place I dig in my cupboard until I find what I need. It's way in the back, but it's clean. Lining the small basket with cloth napkins I fill it with muffins that I had made for my breakfast and subsequent other meals. I cover it with another cloth napkin. After scribbling a note saying "Sorry about the thumping, practicing my ceiling tap dancing. From: Under-Woman" and tucking it into the basket I leave my apartment.

I hike up the flight of stairs which is directly across from his and my rooms and set the basket outside the door. I knock very sharply and loudly, then like a little kid I bolt to the stairwell and tug the door closed behind me and make my way down the stairs and out to my car.

I owe, I owe...off to work I go... and it's worse than being a slave to seven little men.

Continued Military Midget

2010-02-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

http://crawlingthroughmybrain.blogspot.com/

I heard the toilet flush twice up there. What the hell? Was he trying to flush a body down? Or did his bladder hold the urine equivalent of an Olympic swimming pool and he was forced to flush twice lest he swim in his own piss? Those were the thoughts I was pondering before I heard the bellowing.
The oldest voice in the Universe with a sandpaper lined throat was bellowing. Was that his voice? The mad scientists? No, couldn't be. That guy muttered.
The dominant word from the sand paper king was Coffee. He didn't need coffee, he needed a few hundred throat lozenges. Hell, line his throat with vasoline, something is wrong with it. I shook my head and grabbed my broom, without realizing that the bellowing had stopped I gave the ceiling above me several good jabs. Well...maybe they will continue to stop bellowing now...guess I should have been more patient before I decided to joust with the crappy sheet rock job up there.
Sighing I refilled my own coffee cup then sat back down to listen.

Continued....

2010-02-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

http://crawlingthroughmybrain.blogspot.com/?zx=fe4339d68d50f87f

My alarm had gone off an hour ago. I am showered, dressed and ready to leave for work when I hear the thumping upstairs. What's he doing up? He was never up this early, unless he's staggering off for his mid sleep pee. I dismiss big foot stomping around his apartment upstairs. That was almost normal behavior for the people that lived in this dive. No ability to walk like a normal human, everything is stomping around and yelling as many f-bombs as possible. Of course the big foot upstairs that pissed all the time didn't yell like a drunken sailor. That made him weird for this place. I think he's a mad scientist. That's the only excuse for how quiet he is...and probably therein lies the reason he has to pee all the time.
Yeah, the plumbing in this dump sucks, but it's cheap, the cockroaches obey simple commands and the pimps are afraid of sunlight. Can't beat that. I find myself listening, sounds like he's talking to someone up there...maybe he's mumbling to himself...hmm...I don't have to leave for work yet...

Absent minded

2010-01-21T11:17:00.000-08:00

October 23, 1942-November 4, 2008

I had a rant, that pertained to something about something Michael Crichton wrote...but then while Googling for his picture (at work no less), my computer caught a nasty virus. So I T had to steal it and fix it...and then I forgot what the hell I was going to bitch about, so I have to put this picture up, if anything, because my computer fell ill while looking for it.

Holiday Shopping

2009-12-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

"What the fuck is wrong with everyone today?"

I went out shopping today with my young daughter. We went to a large clothing store first. It was packed and against my better senses I went ahead and went in. I didn't find what I was looking for but I found a store full of idiots that were nothing short of just plain rude. No issues, I wasn't trying to purchase anything to deal with that, but, I noticed how rude people were being to each other and the only thought I had to that was "Tis the season."

Something about the Christmas season turns all shoppers into massive assholes. This is the season for being nice and giving and what do you have? Everyone that shops turns into a megajerk while out in public. No wonder kids are such assholes, look at their role models.

I left there to head to a large store that handles electronics and games. I browsed the gaming area with my daughter. The people there, teenagers included were infinitely more polite than anyone I came across in the clothing store. That struck me as odd. I made my purchases and left and as I drove out I had to wade through the traffic of a large (and popular) retail chain of stores, one person flipped me off because I didn't let them cut in front of me so they could hop lanes and get a nice parking spot. Huh. She was a fat pig that needs the exercise, so in the end perhaps I did her a favor.

The holidays are here, along with the asshole shoppers and they won't go away until all the New Years sales are over...

I will get my shopping done during the week so I won't have to see these people any longer. I think their behavior is ridiculous and adolescent.

What the fuck is wrong with people during the holidays?

Vocal driving

2009-10-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

"The car is you...you are the car..."

There are many places that one can venture to if they really want to see just how stupid the average person is (go to the grocery store). While driving you encounter far too many.

You want to talk on your phone, fine. Play with your radio, fine. Mess with your iPod, fine. Pick your nose, fine. Just keep traffic moving. Don't stop in a place that you shouldn't stop. Like...a passing lane. I followed a forest green Buick. On the road we were travelling on there were a lot of left hand turns, hence a lot of passing lanes. Ahead of us was a truck with a trailer and ahead of that vehicle was a school bus. Both turning left. So, the Buick swings into the passing lane and me and the 20+ other cars behind me start following suit...until the stupid bitch locks up her breaks and stops right in the middle of the passing lane. I could see cars behind me veering onto the shoulder to prevent hitting the car in front of them. All the while I am cussing this idiot out in front of me. She wouldn't pass that school bus until it was turning. It DID NOT have it's stop arm out, it was perfectly legal to pass that school bus, but she wouldn't pass it.

I finally passed and and gave her the New York wave while shouting a few choice words at her. She looked at me like she had no idea what was going on. She was clueless. I wanted to rip her head off. She should have her license pulled, she almost caused a 20+ car pile up in good weather, I am Minnesota, and in a couple months this bitch will cause that 20+ car pile up and kill a bunch of people.

Then have no idea what happened.

What do you know?

2009-10-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

"What were you sent to protect?"

I understand that not all information can be shared with everyone. My only issue with this is that when you ask about something you aren't supposed to know you are typically offered a stupid lie about it or you are nervously told "don't ask". I prefer to say and have said to me. "Yeah, I know what is going on, but I can't tell you. When I can, I will."

If you have to lie make it sound intriguing like "According to the confidentiality agreement I signed I could be beaten to death by midgets with clubs if I tell you." Or. "Circus freaks will tie me up and dangle me over the lion pit if I tell you."

It irritates me that when (for the most part) people get a juicy tidbit of information that they know no one else should have they flaunt it. The "I know what is going on and you don't" attitude. How petty of a person are you if you act like that when you are trusted with information that, in the big picture, doesn't mean jack-shit.

If you know where warheads are, how to hack into government computers, and all the secrets of life on earth...then you can cop an attitude. You know some serious shit, you will probably get killed for knowing it. Have fun before you die. If you know petty shit, really, does anyone care?

Genes

2009-10-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

"Why do you give them faces?"

Why are there different races? Didn't we all come from Adam and Eve...and since Eve was created from Adam...do you see what I am getting at?

I don't know what to believe anymore. There have been other things that have made me question what little faith I have in my readings of religious literature. This is yet another. I don't like to believe in evolution, and I don't think I really do, but I am believing less and less in creationism now.

I don't know what to think anymore, but I really don't think that the races evolved to be so different if they are from two parents one of which was created from the other.

Hooked

2009-10-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

"You aren't playing by the rules."

Another Saw movie is due out soon. They are getting painfully redundant, but I am hooked. I will want to see it. I have to know what happens to the FBI agent who has already survived a trap.

I hate that I will want to see it. They are getting to be ridiculous gore fests...and while I can appreciate those, this isn't what these movies had started out being. These started out as elaborate traps constructed to teach a lesson...and while there are lessons to be learned, (Follow his rules, dammit.) you can't help but wonder if the writers are all just sitting around trying to one up each other with the ridiculously gory ways they are offing people in these movies.

Spoilers. Stop reading...unless you don't care....

Now, Jigsaw...he had a plan. He wanted people to appreciate what they have. Their healthy life. He lost his baby, got cancer...etc. His life was shit and he realized when he had a good life he took it for granted. Now he wishes to force others to appreciate what they have.

This new guy...the pudgy cop. He's got me wondering. I think he needs to be motiveless. He does what he does because his sister was murdered, but, I think to round out his character they need to remove all motives from him. He does this...because he can. Having a motive almost makes it acceptable. And if you look at Costas Mandylor, he looks like the pudgy accountant next door and without that John Wayne Gacy creepiness. He's a guy you'd sit and have coffee with. You wouldn't fathom for one moment anything bad about this guy who looks like an insurance salesman with four kids and a mortgage. SO. Giving this guy a motive to be a nut job just kills his character. Show him going home to his kids, the surgeons kid (watch the movies for that reference, kiddies) and his plain, yet loving wife and show his life to be peachy keen. And when he's caught, no confessions, no breakdowns, no crying, no mental defects. He just shrugs. "Hey. I did it and I don't think I did anything wrong." Of course that won't happen. He will be killed and it will be a happy ending right? Maybe when they make Saw 436 it will be. Until then, I will watch all 435 Saw movies...because I am hooked, dammit.

Watch Slither

2009-10-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

"Jesus Christ Jack, let me get right on it."

I have erased my posts that contain anything about work and workmates.

Slither, the movie. Go see it.

Just in case they read it...and if you are reading this, you can just wonder what I bitched about before deleting the posts.

Slither, the movie. Go see it.

Our mortgage company is staffed with assholes. No wonder no one wants to pay for their mortgages. After talking to them I want to let them foreclose and try to sell the house in this market. The woman I talked to tried and tried to push me to give her dates, I didn't. I gave her nothing. I have lawyers. They can talk to that bitch.

Slither, the movie. Go see it.

The back of Nathan Fillions head in this photo is incredibly straight...

Slither, the movie. Go see it.

Sometimes the clothes do make the man.

2009-10-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

So this is where your heart truly lies?

I am not happy with how the makers of the PotC movies wrote Norrington's character. I don't believe a man like Norrington would go the route they had him go in the movies...but, oh well.

I know this, I wouldn't like Norrington's character at all if it wasn't for the coats he wears. I have no idea why, but I rather like those ridiculous, oversized, pompous coats.

I also like this photo. He's looking down her dress...for shame...for shame....(of course it's her fault for standing there in her underwear.)

Boromir...with frogs

2009-10-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

A human mind can only take so much boredom before it starts wandering down the path of completly weird and ridiculous. Data entry can do this to a persons mind.

I have my iPod playing, I am listening to an audiobook, but still my mind wanders. After running through the things I have to do tonight and realizing that I won't have time to sit on my butt and play Diablo II my mind drifts off into the movie world and for some reason it settles on a scene in The Hitcher (remake) where Neal McDonough utters one of the best cinematic lines in history. "You have got to be five-finger fucking me."

With that great utterance in mind I blow off my work and decide to surf the Net to see if I can find a still of the movie when he said that. I can't. Pissed me off. BUT, I found this gem. The froggie photo.

Here is where the ridiculous comes in. I go back to my work after locating this photo and I start wondering oddities that I assume women wonder. Like "You think he bought his kid a stuffed froggie?" Hell, I don't know. I don't even know if Sean Bean has kids. Guess I can look it up, but, what do I care? So as my mind ponders Sean Bean and frogs it inevitably settles on Boromir and frogs.

Then I wonder..."What would Boromir do with a stuffed frog?" Now, odds are Boromir wouldn't come by the frog because he slaughtered a family on the roadside. Come to think of it, did Gondor have frogs? Did frogs live in the Elves forests? Where would Boromir see a frog? Hmm. After many minutes of ridiculous thoughts like this I have come to a couple conclusions. One. Boromir would have no use for a stuffed froggie. He can't kill it or eat it and he cannot woo wenches with it. I think he would give it to his pansy brother Faramir. Two. I need to have more mentally stimulating things to do at work.

Pretty men.

2009-10-10T06:34:00.000-07:00

You're not a eunuch...are you?

I pose a question to all women out there. If a man is pretty...such as Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom (if you don't know who those two men are, go back under your rock and hide from the world some more) are they really worthy of being called a man?

They are guys. They border on sexless sex symbols. The kind of men you want your 13 year old girl lusting after, because quite simply, they are harmless, asexual looking pretty people.

Rob Pattison...or whatever his name is from Twilight, he's one. Leondardo DiCaprio from the Titanic days was one. He's since graduated to douchebag, but...who am I to point fingers, after all Leo sends me generic letters wanting my money to save polar bears. Maybe I am the douchebag for using his letters as kindling for my fireplace. (Can girls be douchebags?) Back on topic....Orlando Bloom...in everything he's done has been pretty. Shia LeBouf is also a pretty (albeit little) man. They should be called 'guys.'

Reserve 'men' for the Jason Stathams of the cinematic industry. They are few and far between, because women want to look at men that wear as much make-up as they do. That's fair I guess, I married a man that on a day-to-day basis wears the same amount of make-up as I do. None. I married a man. He might not be pretty, but he's handsome, masculine and can't be blown over by a strong wind like most of those wimps in Hollywood. You know my husband is a man.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the PotC movies...but...my two favorite characters were Norrington (has to do with his coats) and Barbossa (has to do with the hat).

Oddly this rant was supposed to be about deja vu...and Sparrow's quote of "You seem somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?" was going headline this, but when looking for that photo I saw to many pretty man and had to talk about them.

The apples...try one of those next...

2009-10-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

There's no need to be killin' ya now...

I have a returned to an old liking of apples. Probably because I got lucky and found a kind in the bazillion kinds you can buy that I like. (Cortland. They are crisp and a little tart, but delightful.)

"Red Delicious" is a deceiving name as my husband always reminds me. I would have to agree with him, they look mushy and the horses loved them...

Have an apple today. Captain Barbossa recommends it.

I don't care! GIVE ME MY INTERNET.

2009-09-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

We have our house for sale.
My husband wants to get weird and move into the mountains...or the tundra...or the desert...I think he wants to be anywhere but here.

I am not a tropical person...so...anyplace nice and freakin hot is out for me. I'd prefer to freeze my butt off than have sweat rolling down my butt crack.

I like living where we live, I just don't want the house we live in anymore. Of course I don't like many things upheaved in my life. Change is not usually my friend. I will accept it if I have to...but...I prefer to shun it if I can.

The Best Man from our wedding and his wife recently went to Portugal. My husband informed me after viewing the pictures that we were going to move there. I told him to find us a way out of the mortgage we were married to and we could move there.

Honestly, frozen tundra, mountains, desert, Portugal...wherever, I will be happy if I have my Internet.

Smut

2009-09-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

There are times when I think of my husband too much at work and I think. "I could get rich writing romance novels with the stuff I am thinking about right now."

I should try it.

Maybe I will respect myself in the morning.

Sick.

2009-09-10T11:12:00.001-07:00

I am sick. No I don't have H1N1 or the Swine Flu, I have a nasty, snotty head cold.

This wonderful cold hit me yesterday, the last day of my 5 day weekend.

It will always amaze me how much snot the human body can produce during a cold. Not to mention the festive colors it turns. (ew) I have been blowing my nose all day and my nose still runs and I have a sore nose and a headache now. My only partial joy to this cold is that I might get someone
at work sick. Then I will have to listen to them blow their nose...

You can't win.

Let go of crap.

2009-09-04T04:49:00.000-07:00

Why do people look down on the rats that run from the sinking ship? At least they have the good sense to get the hell out before their fuzzy asses drown.

It's okay to let go and move on. Maybe you will do better, maybe you won't, there are no guarantees for what's ahead of you. At least you know you are leaving the crap behind you.

Side note

2009-08-31T11:19:00.001-07:00

My comment section is notional.
Sometimes it will let you comment, sometimes not.

I have no control over that, it hates me and does what it wants.

Busy weekend

2009-08-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

Was busy all weekend, school shopping, errands, watching men in skirts toss logs. Good times.
Now, off to work I go. *sigh*

....

2009-08-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

It was the Friday from Hell.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Rockin' His Ride

2009-08-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

In the mornings I rarely see someone in a vehicle that really gets my attention. There's the oddball here and there I catch knuckle deep in their nose or something such as that, but today I saw something that made me chuckle.

Train tracks run parallel to the road I take in and in some areas they are pretty close to the road. I saw an Engine with three cars behind it tooling along slowly this morning. The Conductor/Engineer was sitting by the window with his arm resting in the open sill looking around like he was cruising the hot spots of town. I chuckled. Looking at him you would have thought he was cruising in a Vette.

Random brakes.

2009-08-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

It stormed this morning. Lots of rain, even some downed trees.

I was behind a black Neon today and the driver made it a point to randomely slam on the brakes for the duration of me following. Those are the douchebags that cause the 65 car pile-ups in the middle of winter.

Learn to drive in rain and snow or get the hell off the damn roads. Even I have sense enough to say "I can't drive in this, I am keeping my ass home."

This public service announcement courtesy of sephinflames.

Soup and blowing your nose.

2009-08-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

I splashed soup on me.

Two of my coworkers have been blowing their noses loudly. One is sick, I can forgive that. the other does it all the damn time.

It is disgusting.

I miss my iPod.

Meh

2009-08-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night, my alarm will go off at 4AM.

I have nothing.

Check back tomorrow.

Define creepy.

2009-08-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own definition of creepy and they may have many examples of what creepy could be.

Here's one to consider. A young, very religious teenage male with a very high voice singing hymns while riding a unicycle.

Beats creepy clowns, I know.

Things people put on cars.

2009-08-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

I have seen enough of the 'Calvins' pissing on stuff that I now depise those stickers. Oddly, I didn't see one this morning on my drive in. (Some say commute, I say drive...I drive to work. When you say commuting to me it makes me think that I should be carpooling or something and that would drive me nuts...but that's for another post.)

It was raining while I was driving in today and I was behind a Suburban and I noticed something gray, slimey and nasty looking wiggling on the back bumper. At first I was thinking. "ew, what the hell is that blob?" We got stopped at a red light and I was able to examine this gray blob in more detail and it turns out that it was a hunk of jiggling gray plastic shaped like a Bull Dog that was biting the ball hitch. The slower the Suburban moved to more it jiggled, it was positively fierce at the stop light.

Now I can find humor in this, if it looked more realistic and not like a giant ball of jiggling, gray snot that landed on the back bumper.

When I passed this Suburban as it turned off I was forced to shake my head yet again at the stupidity of this person. For in the side window was the 'Soccer Mom' Soccer ball sticker...and...the NRA logo.

Now, you say 'hey...it could be a husband and wife with their stickers.' Sure, it could be, but I find that unlikely. I keep my stickers on my SUV and my husband keeps his on his SUV. It keeps the confusion down. This forces me to assume that an NRA supporting, Soccer mom is out there with her snot-like, ball hitch, biting Bull Dog just waiting for someone to cut her off. I think she'd shoot you or run you over with the Suburban, if she doesn't sic a giant dog on you...and then when you are in the hospital recovering she will bring you cookies and in a fluffly air-headed tone explain why you are there, and of course it will be your fault for cutting her off in the first place.

Some people need to be fiercly medicated. This person was one of them.

I drank too much coffee this morning...yet I need more.

What are you trying to say?

2009-08-20T04:57:00.000-07:00

If you place a magnetic ribbon (doesn't matter what cause, pick your color) sideways and underneath a VW logo it looks like a ridiculous Jolly Rogers.

Pirates aren't yuppies that drive VW's.

Check the placement of your ribbons. Make sure you aren't saying something ridiculous.

Dentists

2009-08-19T03:57:00.001-07:00

Dentists are a greedy mafia/gang of nerds that knows insurance don't cover half the shit we *need* and will try to suck every dime out of you.

The things you have to do...

2009-08-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

...I am really hating this blog...

I jump through hoops to type in it then it winks out what I typed.

Dammit.

I refuse to retype it. Check back later or tomorrow.