When hemorrhoids flare up and dentures won't stay in place...

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continued from To the Rescue.

Good God...someone let the old folks out again. I swear, if you get old and join a reading club or knitting club you should be put in a high security mental ward.
The fossilized farts had backed me up against a damn planter and one was grabbing himself and gnashing his fake teeth. No doubt in vain search of his package that has probably shriveled with age. If he keeps clacking his fake chompers, maybe the glue will seat them in one place. They obviously thought I was either a) wanting to bone their alzheimers riddles brains out or b) some sort of exotic pre-breakfast appetizer or c) all of the above. Needless to say, those thoughts repulsed me to no end.
When the crotch grabber advanced on me, to do God knows what, I kicked him in his shruken nuts. He dropped like the sack of old, rotting meat that he was. His ancient companions weren't about to stand for this, and as they advanced I caught a glimpse of the mad scientist busting out of the building like his ass was on fire. He rapidly went down as I felt the hands of death...er...rather the skeletal claws of an octegenarian reach me. A solid blow to the solar plexus and he went down. I looked at the last standing geezer and raised an eyebrow. Respect for the elderly: I have none.
He raised his cane with a menacing, toothless snarl. I looked at him, waiting for the blow. I assumed I could catch the cane, his strength cannot be greater than my own. Just as he was about to bring it down I heard a loud bang go off after the mad scientist starting yelling. Geez #3 was startled enough to abandon his efforts to club me like a baby seal and look at the noise. I was curious, yes, but I knew when to beat a hasty retreat. Old men are like crows. You wound one and in no time you will have the whole pack of 'em on you squawking and circling you. All the gods be with you if one remembered to bring his viagra. Shuddering at that thought I ducked and ran away from the cane wielding geez and hauled myself to a fire escape where I scrambled up it and bashed my way inside a building. The agility of a cat: I have it.  I work for the bakery, you have to have some awesome moves when you are putting out trays of fresh donuts when the 300+ pound crowd are watching your every move...or rather watching those donuts as of they are water in a desert. After crashing through the door SWAT team style I paused for a moment, wondering what the hell was going on out there.
I will give it a few moments, then I will peek out to see who brought the cannon. Maybe the Civil War reinactment people didn't want to miss out on the fun....damn...I need to see what is going on...

Colonel....Winkee....Whatever...

I heard more bellowing upstairs, but I refrained from poking more holes in my ceiling. In truth I more feared what kind of wildlife would fall from the holes in the ceiling as opposed to what the mad scientist would think about me.

Okay. That's not true. I didn't want him to dislike me. He seemed the only decent person here, even if he came in zombie form with his mumbled hellos to me. At least he hadn't groped me shouting "BRAINS!" (Yeah, you laugh, it happens to me at least once a week.)

I looked at the clock in the kitchen and sighed. I couldn't linger any longer if I wanted to. I do need to pay for this dump, even if it isn't the Ritz-Carlton. Tugging my watch into place I dig in my cupboard until I find what I need. It's way in the back, but it's clean. Lining the small basket with cloth napkins I fill it with muffins that I had made for my breakfast and subsequent other meals. I cover it with another cloth napkin.  After scribbling a note saying "Sorry about the thumping, practicing my ceiling tap dancing. From: Under-Woman" and tucking it into the basket I leave my apartment.

I hike up the flight of stairs which is directly across from his and my rooms and set the basket outside the door. I knock very sharply and loudly, then like a little kid I bolt to the stairwell and tug the door closed behind me and make my way down the stairs and out to my car.

I owe, I owe...off to work I go... and it's worse than being a slave to seven little men.

Continued Military Midget

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I heard the toilet flush twice up there. What the hell?  Was he trying to flush a body down?  Or did his bladder hold the urine equivalent of an Olympic swimming pool and he was forced to flush twice lest he swim in his own piss? Those were the thoughts I was pondering before I heard the bellowing.
The oldest voice in the Universe with a sandpaper lined throat was bellowing. Was that his voice? The mad scientists? No, couldn't be. That guy muttered.
The dominant word from the sand paper king was Coffee. He didn't need coffee, he needed a few hundred throat lozenges. Hell, line his throat with vasoline, something is wrong with it. I shook my head and grabbed my broom, without realizing that the bellowing had stopped I gave the ceiling above me several good jabs. Well...maybe they will continue to stop bellowing now...guess I should have been more patient before I decided to joust with the crappy sheet rock job up there.
Sighing I refilled my own coffee cup then sat back down to listen.

Continued....

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My alarm had gone off an hour ago. I am showered, dressed and ready to leave for work when I hear the thumping upstairs. What's he doing up? He was never up this early, unless he's staggering off for his mid sleep pee. I dismiss big foot stomping around his apartment upstairs. That was almost normal behavior for the people that lived in this dive. No ability to walk like a normal human, everything is stomping around and yelling as many f-bombs as possible. Of course the big foot upstairs that pissed all the time didn't yell like a drunken sailor. That made him weird for this place. I think he's a mad scientist. That's the only excuse for how quiet he is...and probably therein lies the reason he has to pee all the time.
Yeah, the plumbing in this dump sucks, but it's cheap, the cockroaches obey simple commands and the pimps are afraid of sunlight. Can't beat that. I find myself listening, sounds like he's talking to someone up there...maybe he's mumbling to himself...hmm...I don't have to leave for work yet...

Absent minded

October 23, 1942-November 4, 2008

I had a rant, that pertained to something about something Michael Crichton wrote...but then while Googling for his picture (at work no less), my computer caught a nasty virus. So I T had to steal it and fix it...and then I forgot what the hell I was going to bitch about, so I have to put this picture up, if anything, because my computer fell ill while looking for it.

Holiday Shopping

"What the fuck is wrong with everyone today?"

I went out shopping today with my young daughter. We went to a large clothing store first. It was packed and against my better senses I went ahead and went in. I didn't find what I was looking for but I found a store full of idiots that were nothing short of just plain rude. No issues, I wasn't trying to purchase anything to deal with that, but, I noticed how rude people were being to each other and the only thought I had to that was "Tis the season."

Something about the Christmas season turns all shoppers into massive assholes. This is the season for being nice and giving and what do you have? Everyone that shops turns into a megajerk while out in public. No wonder kids are such assholes, look at their role models.

I left there to head to a large store that handles electronics and games. I browsed the gaming area with my daughter. The people there, teenagers included were infinitely more polite than anyone I came across in the clothing store. That struck me as odd. I made my purchases and left and as I drove out I had to wade through the traffic of a large (and popular) retail chain of stores, one person flipped me off because I didn't let them cut in front of me so they could hop lanes and get a nice parking spot. Huh. She was a fat pig that needs the exercise, so in the end perhaps I did her a favor.

The holidays are here, along with the asshole shoppers and they won't go away until all the New Years sales are over...

I will get my shopping done during the week so I won't have to see these people any longer. I think their behavior is ridiculous and adolescent.

What the fuck is wrong with people during the holidays?

Vocal driving

"The car is you...you are the car..."

There are many places that one can venture to if they really want to see just how stupid the average person is (go to the grocery store). While driving you encounter far too many.

You want to talk on your phone, fine. Play with your radio, fine. Mess with your iPod, fine. Pick your nose, fine. Just keep traffic moving. Don't stop in a place that you shouldn't stop. Like...a passing lane. I followed a forest green Buick. On the road we were travelling on there were a lot of left hand turns, hence a lot of passing lanes. Ahead of us was a truck with a trailer and ahead of that vehicle was a school bus. Both turning left. So, the Buick swings into the passing lane and me and the 20+ other cars behind me start following suit...until the stupid bitch locks up her breaks and stops right in the middle of the passing lane. I could see cars behind me veering onto the shoulder to prevent hitting the car in front of them. All the while I am cussing this idiot out in front of me. She wouldn't pass that school bus until it was turning. It DID NOT have it's stop arm out, it was perfectly legal to pass that school bus, but she wouldn't pass it.

I finally passed and and gave her the New York wave while shouting a few choice words at her. She looked at me like she had no idea what was going on. She was clueless. I wanted to rip her head off. She should have her license pulled, she almost caused a 20+ car pile up in good weather, I am Minnesota, and in a couple months this bitch will cause that 20+ car pile up and kill a bunch of people.

Then have no idea what happened.